Container Bone Burying

Snoopy Hofmann, über bourgeois chien, introduces a startling new innovation to other housedogs: container bone burying!

Enjoy your favorite instinctual past time without risking your owner's ire and frustration by digging in the lawn. (Some of our urban housedog brethren report having no grass at all...SMH.)

Supplies Needed  

 Lots of Yummy Bones!

Several Containers

DIRT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Procedure
For this project, you may need to 'unearth' some of the bones you have currently hidden around the house under pillows, below drapery, and behind sofa cushions. As hard as you worked to locate those hard-to-reach, undetectable hiding spots, it's going to be much more fun to dig them out of the dirt as you were evolutionarily programmed to do. One must endure a bit of short-term discomfort to achieve a bigger payoff. Nothing tastes better than a juicy bone stained with dirt and (hopefully) dripping with fat worms!

Step 1: Gather Containers. An important distinction critical to this project's success is to gather containers that your owner does not use for anything else. While dogs of all breeds understand that burying a bone inside your mom's Ralph Lauren riding boot would be the perfect potpourri of bone, leather, and dirt, since your owner does have another use for it, you risk being hit with the boot before you are able to rummage through it to claim your prize! So dog-approved containers like boots, shoes, socks, serving bowls, sinks, toilets, bathtubs, and lounge chairs with 45 degree angles are not human-approved bone burying containers.


Step 2: Determine Desired Challenge Level.

Pictured above, Low Challenge Level

 

Pictured above, Medium Challenge Level

Pictured above, High Challenge level

Once you have determined how hard you want to work for your bone, assemble the proper-sized receptacle and the appropriate amount of dirt. Part of the fun of this project is getting the dirt into the containers before getting it back out!!

Final Reflections

We rescue dogs owe our lives, and idle leisure, to the fact that the civilization our owners inhabit has so separated them from the plow that such a thing as "container gardening" even exists, to say nothing of anti-depressants, Meet-Up groups, and indoor exercise facilities. Do you think their human ancestors had time or energy to fling themselves in despair off the precipice of excessive capitalist consumption? Of course not! And neither did they stop dogs from digging in the dirt. Scavenging for one's sustenance used to be prized in dogs by humans.

Ommmm....

However, we must remember that the argyle sweaters and Halloween costumes that confine us are actually signs of love; happily, the current disinterest in reproduction among the bourgeoisie has allowed them to shift their nurturing energies to dogs.  Our day has come.

It could be that soon, every household dog will have its own pet--perhaps a rescue rat?--which could be to our advantage. We can capitalize (pun intended) on our owners' weltanschauung to carve out diversions sure to stave off our own inevitable need for pharmaceutical seratonin.

By no means mention to your owners that we (sub)urban lapdogs have more possessions and indulgences than some humans alive today. These kinds of thoughts paralyze and confuse them, and cause them to spend their money on intangibles like food and alcohol rather than more consumer goods with potential for re-purposing as bone-burying containers.

Of course, at all times, snuggling and playing with our owners keeps the dopamine flowing, according to recent research, in both human and canine neural receptors, reminding them how much they love us so they buy us more juicy bones!


Coming Next Month

Why Sleeping in Beds is Not So Bad: A Commentary on George Orwell's Animal Farm
by Snoopy Hofmann

The Singer Solution to World Poverty

 After reading ethicist Peter Singer's article "The Singer Solution to World Poverty" Snoopy took the pledge to donate all his net worth beyond his necessities to share with toyless dogs around the world.

"This piece, entitled 'Dance of the Swans,' evokes the protracted but methodical sweep of culture's decline. I locate the piece in the give-and-take between subjects and objects, challenging onlookers to leave their armchair activism for an active role in the ongoing praxis of cultural re-engagement."

"With this piece, I sought to dramatize the intersection of polymer ("grass" rug) and fiber (the rope.) While fibers are malleable, polymers are permanent, static. The provocatively posed dance of the fibers suggests the nature's slow but sure resistance against the built environment and the ethical disintegration of those that build/t it."

The artist at work.

"In this piece, I wanted to defetishize the paw print as a symbol of 'cute.' I also wanted to comment on the absurdity of being asked to eliminate indoors on a plastic pad 1.5 by 2 feet square. I waited for a rainy day and then showed my contempt for these restrictions by redefining my bonedaries."